Reporting for Rudy: A Sunday Morning

RUDY

It’s Sunday morning, and as I wake up I am reminded what a beautiful weekly occasion this is. I am far enough removed from the stresses of last week that I am relaxed, yet slightly hungover, somehow not more so. I am also lying in bed with a full day of relaxation to look forward to no obstacles in the way of my plans to make sure that I have no plans. However, it is 2018, so not all is right in the world.

After spending some time getting acclimated to the day, it is at this point that I long on to Twitter dot com to see what the orange man with linguine salad for a haircut has done this time. We know the all to common run-of-the-mill headlines I would run into in a situation like this, and it is enough to make one crawl back into bed. However, just for the purpose of this exercise let’s say this particular week Donald has merely kidnapped babies, lied about it, lied about lying about it, expects the benefit of the doubt, and then quoted Dan Bongino in a tweet. Anyways, I am somehow able to suppress the rage built up from seeing these grotesque headlines and pea-brained Trump worshipers and motivate myself to enjoy the day I have ahead. After all, this isn’t Mr.Trump’s first week in his never ending quest to destroy a nation by securing the votes of those whose entire perspective of self worth is based around comparing who loves our flag the most.

Now, I am on my way downstairs having put all that orange toxic as far out of my mind as possible. As I flip through the channels, I am greeted by the usual mundane slate of offerings that the cable guide would have in a situation like this. After deliberating over whether or not I need to see Shooter on TNT for the 4,000th time, I decide against that. No, Mark Wahlberg, you are not gonna pull me in again, I know how it ends. So I move on and finally land on one of our lovely cable news morning shows, and there he is.

Looking like something that Shrek may have pooped out, sporting a suit that makes it look like the tailor sold his sewing machine for more fabric, possessing a disposition as if he is so god damn sure of everything he is about to say that he cannot believe that it is not common knowledge, Rudy Giuliani appears on my television. WHY I ask myself WHY has it become a Sunday tradition, the likes of which not seen since the first church ceremony ever held, to have Rudy Giuliani on Sunday television to tell the exact same lies once again, The same questions are being asked as last week, yet now we have more information about how Rudy Giuliani has lied to us so we will ask him again, this time we’ve got him nailed! Nope. Rudy has simply moved on to telling us that truth is as a matter of fact not something that exists, as if he had to say it for us to know he thought this.

The television programmers are in an extremely tough position, lets be honest. I mean they have to decide between allowing a lifelong grifter employed by a lifelong grifter to lie and defraud America in the name of personal gain, or, they could just report the facts of the Mueller probe which inescapably build against Trump with each day. Yep! Call Rudy tell him he’ll be on all morning! (By the way this isn’t necessary, Rudy is not going to prepare for this interview)

So, after finishing several cups of coffee and taking in what are truly some of the most maddening events of our time, I am finally relieved of my Rudy. Another weeks worth of snippets from these interviews will be replayed, debated, and considered all in the national spotlight. These quotes will be used as if they are anything other than the incessant ramblings of a couple men from New York who are past their time, and I will wake up on Monday somehow thankful that it isn’t Sunday. Thanks Rudy.

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